Have you ever caught yourself snapping at someone for asking a simple question or bristled at an offhand comment that shouldn’t have fazed you? Chances are, you were in defense mode. We like to think of ourselves as confident and open, yet most of us are primed to protect our egos when we sense a threat. Defensiveness isn’t just a minor personality quirk, it’s an alarm bell that reveals hidden fears and old wounds. The real challenge isn’t avoiding defensiveness but spotting that flash of “fight or flight” and turning it into a chance to learn and understand old patterns.
Defensiveness stems from emotions like shame, hurt, guilt, anger, or sadness rooted in fear. By acting defensively, we may try to avoid these uncomfortable feelings.
Criticism, fear of rejection or abandonment, low self esteem or insecurity, lack of trust in self or others and anxiety are deeply rooted perceptions that can be elevated through acknowledgment and comprehension.
Defensive tendencies can be reinforced by past experiences, especially traumatic ones. If someone grew up in a household where blame was common, they may have learned to defend themselves quickly, even when it’s not necessary. Difficulty expressing emotions, avoiding conflict, guilt and shame contribute to using defensiveness as a coping mechanism.
Defensiveness is “contagious” when one person becomes defensive, others may feel compelled to respond in kind. When people lack accountability and/or use controlling and manipulative behavior it tends to make others defensive.
In some cases, defensiveness can be a symptom of mental health illness like bi-polar or a personality disorder.
Understanding common behaviors associated with defensiveness helps us become more self-aware. Defensive actions often show up as immediate denial or deflection, even lying, such as “I did not do it!” Symbolic defensiveness is blaming others or circumstances (“They made me do it!”) or constantly making excuses to justify one’s actions. Stonewalling or shutting down communication also signals intense defensiveness. Aggression or mocking, bringing up past issues instead of staying in the present, or telling someone they have no right to feel the way they do are more examples.
If the level of defensiveness is mild and it feels appropriate you might use humor. If comedy is not a good choice you might address it calmly and suggest, “I sense that this conversation is getting tense. Let’s clarify what happened so we can understand each other better.”
If it’s severe or escalating, sometimes it’s best to pause the conversation, let emotions settle, and return later when calmness can prevail.
When decisions must be made and time is limited, stay task-focused and suggest, “I notice we’re getting stuck. Let’s lay out the key points we need to address, decide on them, and then circle back if needed.”
Prolonged engagement with someone who is highly defensive can be counterproductive, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. When possible, take a break and suggest, “Let’s pick this up tomorrow when we’ve all had a chance to decompress.”
Noticing your defensiveness can be the hardest step. Often, friends or colleagues will see our defensiveness before we do. Being open to feedback from body language clues to gentle reminders, helps us spot when we’re on edge.
Example: You might realize, “I’m crossing my arms, raising my voice, or feeling my heart rate speed up,” which signals you are in a defensive state.
Take a slow, deep breath and deliberately soften your posture. This moment of pause can prevent a knee-jerk, defensive reaction.
Example: In the heat of a difficult conversation, mentally say, “Pause.” Then inhale and exhale slowly. This gives you a moment to choose a calm response rather than a reflexive, defensive one. Practice, practice, practice.
Our immediate perception often focuses on how we might be threatened or judged. Shifting to perspective means looking at it from the other person's point of view, this gives us more information.
Example: If a colleague critiques your approach, instead of thinking, “They’re attacking me!” try, “They may have past experience or knowledge that leads them to see things differently. Let me hear them out.”
As Andrew Bustamante explains it, use this one spytrick to help you in everyday life.
Recognize that feeling defensive usually signals an underlying worry. Instead of judging yourself harshly, acknowledge: “I’m feeling defensive because I want my ideas to be respected.” Then extend understanding to the other person: “They might be defensive because they’re stressed about deadlines.”
Scenario: You propose a new marketing strategy. A co-worker responds, “I don’t think that will work because we tried something similar two years ago and it failed.”
Defensive Response: “Well, obviously you did it wrong last time!”
Constructive Response: “I didn’t realize that. What happened then, and how could we adapt it this time to address the past issues?”
Scenario: A spouse accuses you: “You never help out around the house!”
Defensive Response: “I do so! You’re always complaining, and you never notice what I actually do!”
Constructive Response: “I see why you might feel that way, but I’ve been trying to help more with laundry. If that’s not enough, can we talk about a schedule that feels fair?”
Scenario: A friend says you’ve been distant lately.
Defensive Response: “You’re the one who never reaches out! Why should I make all the effort?”
Constructive Response: “I’m sorry if I seemed distant. Life has been hectic, but I understand how that might make you feel ignored. Let’s figure out a time to catch up.”
Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image. -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
What triggered my defensiveness? Could I handle it differently next time?
By recognizing defensiveness as a signal rather than an endpoint we can navigate defensive behavior in ourselves as a learning opportunity. If we can pause before we respond, and choose empathy over retaliation we can significantly improve how we communicate with others and ourselves.
Choice is an inside job and we can choose to be accountable, curious and compassionate.