My daughter and I were traversing a phase in our relationship during her early twenties. As we transitioned to an adult-to-adult dynamic, I aimed to step away from my hovering mom role. During an important conversation, she was texting. I asked if she could be present and listen to what I was saying. She responded, “I can do two things at once.” I disagreed with her. She then agreed and put her phone down. I grimaced and said, “That’s better.” She said, “Your look and the tone of your voice are saying something different, Mom.” Her remark stopped me in my tracks; she was right. Not only was I condescending when I asked her to stop, my non-verbal also acknowledged my disapproval.
Dealing with defensiveness is a tricky topic both with ourselves and others. It both serves us and can hurt us. The joywork in defensiveness is figuring out how to make it work for us.
According to Webster’s Dictionary defense is serving to protect or defend: defensive position. Defensiveness is a psychological response to protect oneself from perceived threats. It often manifests as a knee-jerk reaction to feedback or comments that feel uncomfortable or challenging. In an attempt to avoid these feelings, defensive behavior may include overreacting, bringing up the past, the silent treatment, gaslighting (making the other person doubt their reality or their memory), attacking, shifting blame, justification by moral superiority, playing the victim, making excuses, and dismissing others’ feelings.
The irony of defensiveness lies in its contradictory nature. While meant to protect and preserve self-esteem, defensiveness often prevents us from accepting constructive feedback and integrating change. This contradiction creates a barrier to self-awareness and growth, blocking the improvements that would strengthen and protect our self-esteem in the long run.
Defensiveness can be influenced by both nature and nurture. We are born with temperaments that may predispose us to be more or less defensive. Additionally, experiences with family, friends, and culture shape our defensive behaviors.
According to specialists, defensiveness can be correlated to a range of emotions, including shame, hurt, guilt, anger, and sadness.
Recognizing when you are defensive is the first step toward managing it. Common signs include a rapid heart rate, feeling hot or flushed, and a sense of being attacked. At this point, stop yourself from engaging and contemplate whether this is useful defensiveness or useless defensiveness.
Useful defensiveness is genuine self-protection triggered by harmful criticism, mean-spirited comments, or abusive behavior. It signals us when boundaries are being crossed.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
-Dana Gould
1. Recognize core values and set boundaries assertively. Values are the guiding principles that dictate behavior and action. When you recognize these values, it becomes easier to identify when they are being compromised or challenged. Assertive boundary setting involves clear and respectful communication about what is acceptable and what isn't, rooted in your values. This not only protects your well-being but also promotes mutual respect in relationships.
2. Stick to the point of the conversation to maintain clarity and conciseness. Address one issue at a time and avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated topics.
3. Responding as the best version of yourself means engaging in interactions with integrity, empathy, and respect. It involves taking a moment to reflect on how you want to be perceived by yourself and in the relationship. It's about choosing responses that align with your higher self rather than reacting impulsively.
4. Practice mindfulness by staying present and noticing defensive reactions in your thoughts, emotions and physical sensations. This self-awareness allows you to pause and assess your reactions before responding. Mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or body scans can help you stay grounded and manage defensiveness more effectively.
5. Seek understanding by asking questions to clarify the other person’s perspective. Use active listening which includes responding, reflecting and retaining understanding. When you ask clarifying questions, you show that you value their viewpoint and are genuinely interested in their thoughts and feelings. This practice can diffuse tension and create a more open and trusting dialogue.
6. Taking responsibility for your actions means owning your behavior and its impact on others. It involves acknowledging mistakes, apologizing when necessary, and making amends. This practice builds trust and respect in relationships. By accepting responsibility, you demonstrate maturity and a willingness to grow. It also sets a positive example and encourages others to take responsibility for their actions as well.
Prepare emotionally before engaging.
Notice non-verbal communication, as it constitutes 68-93% of our communication.
Ignore the other person’s defensiveness and stick to the topic.
Use "I" statements and speak from personal experience.
Communicate assertively and request constructive feedback.
Collaborate, agree to disagree, or stop the conversation if necessary.
Sometimes I feel anxious and recognize I am not in my optimal mental space. I employ several tools like journaling, practicing gratitude, and focusing on my joywork, but something still weighs me down. Then I realize, I am being self-defensive—I am criticizing and abusing myself.
To address this, I take the first troubling thought and talk it out in my head, then make a decision. I continue the process until I have addressed each agitation. Gradually, I begin to feel lighter. It’s crucial to start with ourselves first in managing defensiveness.
In this journey, self-compassion plays a crucial role. It's important to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend facing similar struggles. This shift in perspective can alleviate the burden of self-criticism and open up pathways to personal growth and emotional healing.
Journal Your Defensive Moments: Write about how interactions felt, your triggers, and how to change your behavior in the future. Look for patterns in your defensiveness. The longer you journal about defensiveness the easier it will be to recognize patterns. Pay attention to ideas about changing your approach to defensiveness.
Pre-Paving: Visualize conversations ahead of time. Be careful not to be too specific. In conversations, it is important to give space to the other person and not assume how they will respond. But you can see yourself meeting with the person in your best mindset and open to learning.
Role-Playing: Practice with a friend or a coach, someone you trust, acting out the conversation. Try switching roles and listen to what ideas your partner has.
Boost Self-Esteem: Address areas of life where you feel defensive and identify what you can do to improve the situation. When the doctor told me my husband was going to die I was definitely defensive. After I hung up the phone, I was agitated and afraid. I decided to start asking questions. It was a difficult situation and by asking questions and preparing myself for the best and the worst, I relieved some of my anxiety. Happy ending, he surprised the doctors and the hospital staff and two years later is still with us today.
Create Distance: If a relationship remains hostile despite assertive communication, consider creating distance. This can mean space with the conversation and or the person.
"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz
"The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown
"Super Communicators" by Charles Duhigg